txheem
Hauv kev sib cav, peb feem ntau coj ib qho kev tiv thaiv. Tab sis qhov no tsuas yog exacerbates qhov kev tsis sib haum xeeb. Yuav ua li cas ib leeg? Psychologists qhia.
Koj feem ntau pom tias koj tus khub tsis txaus siab rau koj thaum sib tham txog kev ntxhua khaub ncaws lossis tsev kawm ntawv rau cov menyuam yaus. Koj npau taws thiab tiv thaiv. Nws zoo nkaus li tias tus khub tab tom nrhiav kev ua txhaum thiab tawm tsam koj.
Txawm li cas los xij, cov tshuaj tiv thaiv zoo li no tuaj yeem tsim teeb meem ntau dua. Psychologist John Gottman hu rau kev tiv thaiv kev tiv thaiv ntawm cov txij nkawm ib qho ntawm cov cim qhia ntawm kev sib nrauj.
Kev nruj kev tiv thaiv ntawm cov txij nkawm yog ib qho ntawm cov cim qhia ntawm kev sib nrauj yav tom ntej
Gottman thiab nws cov neeg koom tes tau kawm txog kev coj tus cwj pwm ntawm ob niam txiv rau 40 xyoo, sim nrhiav cov laj thawj uas ua rau muaj kev sib cais ntawm tsev neeg. Lawv qhov tshwm sim tuaj yeem pom muaj nyob hauv tsev neeg feem ntau - peb tab tom tham txog kev thuam tsis tsim nyog, cov lus tsis txaus ntseeg, kev tiv thaiv thiab kev xav txias.
Raws li Gottman, kev tiv thaiv stance "tig rau" nyob rau hauv cov lus teb rau ib tug perceived aggression los ntawm ib tug khub. Yuav ua li cas ua ntej qhov teeb meem pib rhuav tshem kev sib raug zoo?
Txhob tsa koj lub suab
"Thaum peb dhau los ua kev tiv thaiv hnyav, qhov kev xav kom tsa peb lub suab tam sim ntawd tshwm sim," tus kws kho mob hauv tsev neeg Aaron Anderson hais. “Nws yog qhov tshwm sim ntawm ntau txhiab xyoo ntawm evolution. Los ntawm tsa koj lub suab, koj tab tom sim hem tus interlocutor thiab muab koj tus kheej tso rau hauv txoj haujlwm tseem ceeb. Tab sis koj tsis xav kom koj tus khub tsis xis nyob hauv koj lub xub ntiag. Yog li es tsis txhob tsa koj lub suab, sim ua kom koj lub suab qis. Qhov no yuav pab koj thiab koj tus khub kom tsawg kawg ib nrab tawm ntawm txoj haujlwm tiv thaiv. Koj yuav xav tsis thoob tias kev sib txuas lus zoo npaum li cas yuav dhau los.
Nug koj tus kheej: vim li cas kuv thiaj li tiv thaiv?
“Thaum peb xav tias yuav tsum tau tiv thaiv peb tus kheej, peb hnov qab qhov kev raug mob uas peb tau txais. Feem ntau qhov no yog vim tsev neeg uas peb loj hlob tuaj. Lub paradox yog hais tias nyob rau hauv cov neeg laus peb tab tom nrhiav rau cov neeg koom tes nrog uas peb yuav ntsib ib yam nyuaj nyuaj uas peb tau paub txij thaum yau. Tsuas yog peb tuaj yeem tiv nrog kev raug mob. Txhawm rau tshem tawm qhov xav tau los tiv thaiv koj tus kheej, nws yog ib qho tseem ceeb uas yuav tau saib sab hauv thiab cuam tshuam nrog qhov kev xav tsis zoo, "hais tias tsev neeg kws kho mob Liz Higgins.
Ua tib zoo mloog koj tus khub es tsis txhob tawm tsam
"Thaum tus interlocutor raug torn thiab torn, nws yog ib qho yooj yim los pib xav txog lub tswv yim ntawm counterattack. Yog tias koj hloov mus rau qhov no, koj yuav tsis hnov qhov koj tus khub xav hais. Nws yog ib qho tsim nyog ua tib zoo mloog txhua yam thiab nrhiav qee yam uas koj tuaj yeem pom zoo. Piav seb koj pom zoo li cas thiab qhov koj tsis ua, "hais tias tsev neeg psychologist Daniella Kepler.
Tsis txhob tawm lub ncauj lus
Aaron Anderson hais tias "Cia li nco qab txog cov ntsiab lus," Aaron Anderson hais. - Thaum peb tau txais kev tiv thaiv, peb tsis nco qab qhov peb tab tom tham txog thiab pib sau cov teeb meem kev sib raug zoo hauv kev sim "tua" peb tus khub thiab yeej qhov kev sib cav. Yog li ntawd, kev sib tham pib txav mus rau hauv ib lub voj voog. Txhawm rau tiv thaiv qhov no los ntawm qhov tshwm sim, tsom ntsoov rau qhov teeb meem ntawm tes thiab tiv thaiv kev ntxias kom coj mus rau lwm yam teeb meem, txawm tias koj xav tias lawv muaj feem cuam tshuam nrog lub ntsiab lus ntawm kev sib tham.
Lub luag haujlwm
"Cov neeg uas nyiam tiv thaiv zoo li qhia lawv tus khub tias lawv xav tau qhov zoo tshaj plaws rau nws," tus kws kho mob hauv tsev neeg Kari Carroll hais. "Yog li ntawd, thaum lawv tus khub nthuav tawm qee yam kev xav tau, lawv tam sim ntawd pib ua pov thawj tias vim li cas lawv tsis tuaj yeem muab rau nws, thaum txo lawv tus kheej ntawm txhua lub luag haujlwm thiab sim txo qhov teeb meem.
Qee lub sij hawm lawv txawm ua rau lawv tus kheej raug tsim txom thiab pib yws tias: "Txawm kuv ua dab tsi, nws tsis txaus rau koj!" Yog li ntawd, tus khub xav tias nws cov kev xav tau poob qis thiab tsis saib xyuas. Muaj kev tsis txaus siab. Hloov chaw, kuv xav kom cov niam txiv uas tuaj rau kuv coj txawv txawv: ua tib zoo mloog cov lus uas tus khub txhawj xeeb, lees paub tias koj nkag siab nws txoj kev xav, ua lub luag haujlwm thiab teb rau qhov kev thov.
Hla lub "tab sis"
"Koj tsis xav siv lo lus 'tab sis'," tus kws kho mob hauv tsev neeg Elizabeth Earnshaw qhia. - Kuv hnov cov neeg siv khoom hais rau tus khub cov kab lus "Koj hais qhov tsim nyog, tab sis ...", tom qab ntawd lawv sim ua pov thawj tias tus khub tsis yog lossis hais lus tsis zoo. Lawv qhia tias qhov lawv xav hais yog qhov tseem ceeb tshaj rau lawv tshaj qhov lawv tus khub hais. Yog hais tias koj xav hais tias "tab sis", tuav rov qab. Hais tias, “Koj hais tej yam uas tsim nyog” thiab ua kom tiav cov kab lus.
Tsis txhob "tau ntse"
"Kuv cov neeg siv khoom pib thuam cov lus ntawm tus khub hauv daim ntawv, piv txwv li: "Koj tab tom siv cov lus no thiab lo lus tsis raug!" Kari Carroll hais tias "Nyob hauv cov khub niam txiv zoo siab, cov neeg koom tes tab tom nrhiav txoj hauv kev los mloog ib leeg cov lus thov thiab kev xav tau."